Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Let's be honest here.

People (and by people I am actually referring to myself) may feel mighty callings to do things that seem strange or crazy. 

Which is why I came to Chile. I wanted to live out something "crazy" while still in my early twenties. 

Moment of honest truth here; I haven't posted anything in almost a month because I've been depressed. The adjustment to life here has been ridiculously difficult. 

I was going to post imagery from a dream I had awhile ago. I saw a puma and many angelfish when I opened the door to a secret, flooded compartment of a friend's basement. My internet symbolism resources had told me this has to do with patience, connecting to your spirituality, finding your "flow" in life and the people who will help you or- whom you will help. This dream was about a month ago now, and I kind of fell into a rut of thinking that it was a bunch of horse shit. Thinking my dreams had betrayed me, I saw no brightness, no friends, no help, no finding the currents of life or any of that junk. 

Now, much later perhaps some patience has payed off.

I have been invited to do training at a language institute. It all happened so zip zam zoom. Called the day before yesterday to see if I could come have a visit- went in yesterday morning- was scheduled an interview that same afternoon and they seemed to like me. This is a crazy opportunity because A. they will get me a work visa meaning staying here in a legal manner and not having to leave the country every 3 months or so, pay a reentry fee to stay here longer as a "tourist" and B. I will have a means of income. They will train me in their "methodology" and, if I have to end up teaching in another region (which is quite likely) they provide housing, food, and transportation.


Something may work out for me here after all. I will be more honest here with those of you who aren't my closest friends, the latter know full well what I'd been going through. I was on the brink of coming home. Calling it a "good try but no dice" and booking it back to my beloved Ypsi/AA to dance in the aisles of Trader Joe's, quite happily I might add. I had no qualms with this decision. Life continously throws some punches yet- all at the right time. Leaving the room where I had my interview, one of the boss types toted off the age old adage, "Everything happens for a reason." 


Sunday, September 29, 2013

Cutting the onions and sweeping the floor

Bad coffee and and an even badder cigarette
We're plagued to forget.
It isn't so likely 
To forget.
Same story, different page. 
Same page, different story.
Uncertainties fitter in ramblings of other times of love 
of being in between
We remember epic moments,
remember? Remember?
Have we remembered?
What does it take to remember?
I remembered once.
I remembered once that I wanted to forget.
and so I forgot
and all was forgotten
until later
when I was reminded.
How do epiphanies come and go like wheat?
days that pass while I'm underneath
trying not to remember
knowing I can't forget.
To great revelations!
To karma as I sleep.
What's left?
Only days yet to come
as we wait and want and wither.
Trying to know.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know anything.
I don't want to do.
I don't want to do anything.
I want to be.
Just as many were. 
Just as I am,
yet here and now
questions arise while taking tea-
and this is all I could ask really
since it keeps working
until it doesn't really.
Sweep the floor.
Sweep the floor.
Chop some onions.
Don't forget the sun or trees or air back "home"
these are what made you little one.
You can be amongst them, 
but you'd still be wondering, working, walking, whining.
Cutting the onions and sweeping the floor. 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

I Remember

I was thinking today about a really short thing I wrote in my Creative Writing class last year. A little search in my documents and success! I found it.

I Remember

                      The little fluffy cotton ball mice, placed on the branches of the christmas tree. They smelled like spice; cloves and cinnamon. Today someone told me that I smell like spice. Maybe I'm a little mouse on the branch with the fake snow. Hiding away; warm and cozy.
                       I only remember knees. I couldn't see very high- so I examined the knees, legs, feet. I remember a tree, a porch, a little field that flooded during storms, a field where mice would play. Maybe I belonged out there with the other mice.
                       I remember being curious. The say curiousity killed the cat but maybe it was really just the mice getting revenge.
                       I remember when they said the garage door was broken. When they said not to go there. I remember sneaking down, quiet like a mouse. The loud banging on the shiny red corvette, loud enough to scare any mouse and make them cry. I remember realizing they didn't mean the large automatic door- a spectacle that would be exhilirating to any mouse. I remember wanting to be that mouse on the branch, hiding cozy with the smell of spices.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Dedicated to the one I love, Sasha star dog.

Could it be that one person's 'inspired' is another's completely cracked out? Sometimes I think I have a good idea or try to work something out but to no avail. Kind of like blogging, haha. I've been feeling extra neurotic lately. I can't believe Sasha died. It's like the most bizarre thing. All my shit doesn't matter too much, though. Not now. I do suppose I'm trying to be content because there's always so much more to the story. I have been thinking about grammar and language. I want to be back in school. I think I know what I want now at least.  Yes, I do believe so.

But it's all okay, 
But it's all okay
these days
it feels like I've lost a friend. 
But it's all okay
But it's all okay. 

I have been reflecting. Is it all about having or being wealthy enough? Or is it more about knowing what it is that you want, really, very properly identifying what it is that you want, and focusing all of your energies into it? So as to sort of, attract it. No matter what. Fight hard. That sort of thing. Upside- I won a pair of shoes, downside- I found out the same day as we found Sasha dead. They say most deaths occur close to home. I found out September 20th that my dad died September 19th. We found out September 3rd that Sasha died on September 2nd. Perhaps having my September in Chile be Spring, instead of Fall I will have some sort of a healing. Fall is dying. Spring is rebirth.

God, relationships are complicated. Be them romantic, friendly, or how-you-relate to other things, even abstractly. 

Like how I want to smoke a cigarette. 

A moment of honesty, though- true feelings;

It's what I (thought) I wanted but is it what I need? It's what I (thought) I needed but is it what I want? Hm....

Common questions come to analytical mind as often happens in worry trance. 

nothings timeless

We aren't sure
of cracks
in the wall. 

But what is the foundation? How do you separate your mind? HOW DO WE CO-MU-NI-CATE ?

-wonderful, wonderful.
-may I sleep?
-maybe not
-trend of sleep?
-not long sought
-gimmie that
-candy for them all!
-a doll in the box
-little, tiny whim
-hum hum, buzz buzz
-let me (w)in. 

under, mine.
out of time.
little bit thick.
roly poly
moly, miss holy
flatten out the dough
moly roly,
holy miss poly
holy moly,
poly miss roly 

My mind is wandering often in and out of extreme thought and quirkiness. I am trying to be open with my formatting and what comes out, since that's how it flows sometimes. This girl asked me if I knew why I make music, well I will also say it has to do with why I write: for me, creative process = spiritual meditation. Hari om tat sat! 

the goods 

Sunday, September 1, 2013

They sent me trinkets

I know ever since Inception everyone is into these totems. I myself have a few. 

So, I have cut my hair a lot. I like it. It's free. I have acquired some cool necklaces and it feels good. Good vibes coming. I have been writing for The Hive if anyone wants to check it out, similar content but pretty cool to be publishing and sharing work. :)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

cicada 8.13.13.

Sometimes we just can't be sure. Sometimes, we don't know what to do. 

I went to my yoga teacher's house the other day to do what is referred to as 'karma' yoga. Every so often I will go over and help her do a lot of stuff around her house. Why? I don't know. I feel somehow captivated to do it. It's been a rough couple weeks, as you might read in my post about transitions. I try not to be dramatic but life throws you curve balls, often. This in my opinion is to be taken as a means to learn.

Anyhow, there is a yoga association that my teacher had been urging me to join. She told me it was absolutely necessary to do before going to Chile since it is an international registry. This involved a lot of little hoops to go through. I also had to spend quite a bit of money in bank transfer fees and shipping my documents since it is abroad. At the time I thought- "Crap, man!" I didn't really care that much about it, yet I was doing it because my teacher and I will go so far as to say mentor was telling me this is necessary. 

So, I was at her house and told her I had completed all of the tasks and shipped out my documents, but that I had spent a lot of money. Her reaction? Not what I thought it would be. She began to give me a talking to. Telling me, "Analea you are not a practical person and you don't know how to live in the practical world." Among other things. I felt very offended because I just spent a bunch of money and did all this stuff to try to please her, though I don't think it is possible. So I started to react emotionally to which she says, "Now you will have an emotional reaction? Analea you are too soft. You will never be able to live in an ashram." She keeps lecturing me and I was there to do karma yoga so I am on my hands and knees with a hose and a scrub brush scrubbing her decks and and trimming her bushes and what not. In my head not really understanding what was going on. After lots of reflection I have realized;

I should not try to please anyone. I should say no. I should only do what I want to do and I should be me.

I mean, I am me. 

I am extremely happy being me. I don't care how soft or not. I am and have always been a sensitive person, if I were to stop being sensitive I don't think I would continue to be the Analea as we all know her to be. I wouldn't write songs and poems, I don't even think working with children would be the same. Living in an ashram doesn't matter so much to me. Especially if it means being around people who reprimand you for doing what they asked. I love my life, I am not trying to be a swami I am trying to be a normal person, whatever that means. I think life within itself is a very spiritual experience. She told me that she wants me to be a spiritual person, and that spiritual people take responsibility for all of their own actions. So, it is my fault I went through all that to send the documents. Fine. I will never do things thinking it's what someone else wants me to do again. I actually much prefer not worrying in that way. Things really came together after that, though. 

Life is so funny. In my teacher's garden, before the quarrel, I saw a cicada. I huge one, sitting very still. I took a picture of it, it was actually really beautiful. 

Talking with my roommates later in the day they were giving me some advice. Probably the best advice I could ever have, "The point of the teacher is so that after, you don't need a teacher anymore." My mind blew open. I guess things really are changing for me. Later they told me that the bug was a cicada. A type of cicada who only comes out of every 13 years. So, they said maybe it means something. "You found this, on it's 13th year interval, on the 13th day of August, 2013." Seems a bit strange, right? My roommate then looks up the symbolism. Everything I read hit me, but I think this really sums it up; 

The Cicada is a symbol of rebirth and longevity. People with this totem are strong communicators and often find rewarding opportunities as the result of patience and persistence. Their callings sometimes come later in life after a period of seclusion. Cicada teaches communication through music - it's song is easily recognizable and noticed by others. Cicada also speaks of the ability to "shed one's skin" and emerge as something new and different in life. Coming out of your shell and expressing yourself authentically are themes of this totem.

Cicada remains underground for much of its life before emerging. When cicada appears to you it speaks of a need to come out from hiding, to break free of what restricts you. Cicada loses its shell and symbolizes our ability to come out from the shadows and let our inner being break free from oppression. Cicada has a distinctive sound all its own - use cicada's wisdom to inspire you to share your own voice.

So, the post about transitions speaks of the period of seclusion, check. Other creepy/eery thing? I have this summer written a lot of songs. Like this crazy inspiration keeps coming and I seem to keep accidentally finding myself in situations involving playing with other people. I finally feel like what I am making needs to be shared, and my voice had been dying to come out. I am really excited to see what comes next and hopefully I get into something really fun. There's a few people here it'd be cool to make some music with, but since I am leaving so soon I will just hope I can find it in Chile! Now if this were Facebook I'd post my mood as being, "cicada." :) 


How does one know if they are psychologically prepared for a new journey? 

I hadn't thought of that aspect before. I started by going through all of my shit at home and pitching a bunch of it. If I had to think more than a few seconds about if I really wanted it or not, I'd just put it in a bag for donation. As I reflect upon many transitions in my life, some smooth, some... errr....not so much, I wonder what my next one will be like.

You know how you start a new job or semester, or move, or do all of the above and there is (or is perhaps only for myself) always this period of time where you feel totally nuts!? Then as the time goes on and you force yourself to be the most bad-ass as can be at whatever it is you do, it somehow gets easier. Or at least you get accustomed to it. I feel like I am recently coming down from a time like that. School got over, I moved to a new place and I started working basically full-time at my job. Not only this, my roommates went out of town when I moved in. For a month. A month of alone time in a big minimalist house, two dogs and a cat I had to get used to and lots and lots of solitude.

I remember, almost in tears confessing to a coworker, "I feel exhausted always. I go home and do nothing and talk to no one but these dogs." Seeing no bright side I could hardly believe her when she said to me, "Don't worry, Analea. You'll get used to working so much." When she said this to me I thought, okay whatever that is sweet of you. But now looking back, I did. I got used to things, and as always, things change.

Eventually my roommates came back, I got used to all the lesson planning and being prepared and handling more kids, running up and down and all over, cleaning a million times a day only to see what you just cleaned get pissed on- literally. Accidents in preschool are real, they will just shit and piss on things and you have to maintain your cool, always. So my only hopes are that I remain my cool as life may potentially shit or piss on me in the future.

So what do you do when you are in a situation like that? A situation that doesn't seem permanent yet is very real in the present moment and can be a bit of a downer. Do yoga. Right? Err... right. Yeah even for someone who has studied yoga and meditation and has taught and all this bliggity bloogity sometimes it's easier to fall into bad habits. Smoking, drinking, laying on the floor staring at the ceiling... Ya know, those types of things.

 Though deep down inside, while I am not the total up-tight little Analea I can't let myself take that route. Maybe for a bit, maybe once in a while. Though I always come back and hit myself in the head. Do yoga Analea, sit and breathe, Analea. On my breaks I started finding a little spot wherever, in the park, etc. I close my eyes and do pranayama. Pranayamas are breathing exercises. I would just close my eyes, move my body if I need to, and just try to turn my attention inward. Being an introvert who acts as an extrovert, it's become quite easy to go in.

In this place you really recharge, and can get through whatever is, be it totally gross or totally frustrating. I don't want to sound preachy, honestly I don't always abide by my own doctrine yet inside I know what is up. There's always some sort of thing you need to hold on to, why not make it positive? Or at least self-actualizing. Play a song, do a dance. Go for a walk. Be you. Whatever you feel like makes you feel like you- do it. Maybe I want to play some ukulele (albeit poorly) or write a blog post/article (albeit... poorly...). My point is do you because all this other stuff doesn't matter anymore.