Sometimes we just can't be sure. Sometimes, we don't know what to do.
I went to my yoga teacher's house the other day to do what is referred to as 'karma' yoga. Every so often I will go over and help her do a lot of stuff around her house. Why? I don't know. I feel somehow captivated to do it. It's been a rough couple weeks, as you might read in my post about transitions. I try not to be dramatic but life throws you curve balls, often. This in my opinion is to be taken as a means to learn.
Anyhow, there is a yoga association that my teacher had been urging me to join. She told me it was absolutely necessary to do before going to Chile since it is an international registry. This involved a lot of little hoops to go through. I also had to spend quite a bit of money in bank transfer fees and shipping my documents since it is abroad. At the time I thought- "Crap, man!" I didn't really care that much about it, yet I was doing it because my teacher and I will go so far as to say mentor was telling me this is necessary.
So, I was at her house and told her I had completed all of the tasks and shipped out my documents, but that I had spent a lot of money. Her reaction? Not what I thought it would be. She began to give me a talking to. Telling me, "Analea you are not a practical person and you don't know how to live in the practical world." Among other things. I felt very offended because I just spent a bunch of money and did all this stuff to try to please her, though I don't think it is possible. So I started to react emotionally to which she says, "Now you will have an emotional reaction? Analea you are too soft. You will never be able to live in an ashram." She keeps lecturing me and I was there to do karma yoga so I am on my hands and knees with a hose and a scrub brush scrubbing her decks and and trimming her bushes and what not. In my head not really understanding what was going on. After lots of reflection I have realized;
I should not try to please anyone. I should say no. I should only do what I want to do and I should be me.
I mean, I am me.
I am extremely happy being me. I don't care how soft or not. I am and have always been a sensitive person, if I were to stop being sensitive I don't think I would continue to be the Analea as we all know her to be. I wouldn't write songs and poems, I don't even think working with children would be the same. Living in an ashram doesn't matter so much to me. Especially if it means being around people who reprimand you for doing what they asked. I love my life, I am not trying to be a swami I am trying to be a normal person, whatever that means. I think life within itself is a very spiritual experience. She told me that she wants me to be a spiritual person, and that spiritual people take responsibility for all of their own actions. So, it is my fault I went through all that to send the documents. Fine. I will never do things thinking it's what someone else wants me to do again. I actually much prefer not worrying in that way. Things really came together after that, though.
Life is so funny. In my teacher's garden, before the quarrel, I saw a cicada. I huge one, sitting very still. I took a picture of it, it was actually really beautiful.
Talking with my roommates later in the day they were giving me some advice. Probably the best advice I could ever have, "The point of the teacher is so that after, you don't need a teacher anymore." My mind blew open. I guess things really are changing for me. Later they told me that the bug was a cicada. A type of cicada who only comes out of every 13 years. So, they said maybe it means something. "You found this, on it's 13th year interval, on the 13th day of August, 2013." Seems a bit strange, right? My roommate then looks up the symbolism. Everything I read hit me, but I think this really sums it up;
The Cicada is a symbol of rebirth and longevity. People with this totem are strong communicators and often find rewarding opportunities as the result of patience and persistence. Their callings sometimes come later in life after a period of seclusion. Cicada teaches communication through music - it's song is easily recognizable and noticed by others. Cicada also speaks of the ability to "shed one's skin" and emerge as something new and different in life. Coming out of your shell and expressing yourself authentically are themes of this totem.
Cicada remains underground for much of its life before emerging. When cicada appears to you it speaks of a need to come out from hiding, to break free of what restricts you. Cicada loses its shell and symbolizes our ability to come out from the shadows and let our inner being break free from oppression. Cicada has a distinctive sound all its own - use cicada's wisdom to inspire you to share your own voice.
So, the post about transitions speaks of the period of seclusion, check. Other creepy/eery thing? I have this summer written a lot of songs. Like this crazy inspiration keeps coming and I seem to keep accidentally finding myself in situations involving playing with other people. I finally feel like what I am making needs to be shared, and my voice had been dying to come out. I am really excited to see what comes next and hopefully I get into something really fun. There's a few people here it'd be cool to make some music with, but since I am leaving so soon I will just hope I can find it in Chile! Now if this were Facebook I'd post my mood as being, "cicada." :)
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