Sunday, August 18, 2013

cicada 8.13.13.




Sometimes we just can't be sure. Sometimes, we don't know what to do. 

I went to my yoga teacher's house the other day to do what is referred to as 'karma' yoga. Every so often I will go over and help her do a lot of stuff around her house. Why? I don't know. I feel somehow captivated to do it. It's been a rough couple weeks, as you might read in my post about transitions. I try not to be dramatic but life throws you curve balls, often. This in my opinion is to be taken as a means to learn.

Anyhow, there is a yoga association that my teacher had been urging me to join. She told me it was absolutely necessary to do before going to Chile since it is an international registry. This involved a lot of little hoops to go through. I also had to spend quite a bit of money in bank transfer fees and shipping my documents since it is abroad. At the time I thought- "Crap, man!" I didn't really care that much about it, yet I was doing it because my teacher and I will go so far as to say mentor was telling me this is necessary. 

So, I was at her house and told her I had completed all of the tasks and shipped out my documents, but that I had spent a lot of money. Her reaction? Not what I thought it would be. She began to give me a talking to. Telling me, "Analea you are not a practical person and you don't know how to live in the practical world." Among other things. I felt very offended because I just spent a bunch of money and did all this stuff to try to please her, though I don't think it is possible. So I started to react emotionally to which she says, "Now you will have an emotional reaction? Analea you are too soft. You will never be able to live in an ashram." She keeps lecturing me and I was there to do karma yoga so I am on my hands and knees with a hose and a scrub brush scrubbing her decks and and trimming her bushes and what not. In my head not really understanding what was going on. After lots of reflection I have realized;

I should not try to please anyone. I should say no. I should only do what I want to do and I should be me.

I mean, I am me. 

I am extremely happy being me. I don't care how soft or not. I am and have always been a sensitive person, if I were to stop being sensitive I don't think I would continue to be the Analea as we all know her to be. I wouldn't write songs and poems, I don't even think working with children would be the same. Living in an ashram doesn't matter so much to me. Especially if it means being around people who reprimand you for doing what they asked. I love my life, I am not trying to be a swami I am trying to be a normal person, whatever that means. I think life within itself is a very spiritual experience. She told me that she wants me to be a spiritual person, and that spiritual people take responsibility for all of their own actions. So, it is my fault I went through all that to send the documents. Fine. I will never do things thinking it's what someone else wants me to do again. I actually much prefer not worrying in that way. Things really came together after that, though. 

Life is so funny. In my teacher's garden, before the quarrel, I saw a cicada. I huge one, sitting very still. I took a picture of it, it was actually really beautiful. 


























Talking with my roommates later in the day they were giving me some advice. Probably the best advice I could ever have, "The point of the teacher is so that after, you don't need a teacher anymore." My mind blew open. I guess things really are changing for me. Later they told me that the bug was a cicada. A type of cicada who only comes out of every 13 years. So, they said maybe it means something. "You found this, on it's 13th year interval, on the 13th day of August, 2013." Seems a bit strange, right? My roommate then looks up the symbolism. Everything I read hit me, but I think this really sums it up; 

The Cicada is a symbol of rebirth and longevity. People with this totem are strong communicators and often find rewarding opportunities as the result of patience and persistence. Their callings sometimes come later in life after a period of seclusion. Cicada teaches communication through music - it's song is easily recognizable and noticed by others. Cicada also speaks of the ability to "shed one's skin" and emerge as something new and different in life. Coming out of your shell and expressing yourself authentically are themes of this totem.

Cicada remains underground for much of its life before emerging. When cicada appears to you it speaks of a need to come out from hiding, to break free of what restricts you. Cicada loses its shell and symbolizes our ability to come out from the shadows and let our inner being break free from oppression. Cicada has a distinctive sound all its own - use cicada's wisdom to inspire you to share your own voice.

So, the post about transitions speaks of the period of seclusion, check. Other creepy/eery thing? I have this summer written a lot of songs. Like this crazy inspiration keeps coming and I seem to keep accidentally finding myself in situations involving playing with other people. I finally feel like what I am making needs to be shared, and my voice had been dying to come out. I am really excited to see what comes next and hopefully I get into something really fun. There's a few people here it'd be cool to make some music with, but since I am leaving so soon I will just hope I can find it in Chile! Now if this were Facebook I'd post my mood as being, "cicada." :) 

transiciĆ³nes


























How does one know if they are psychologically prepared for a new journey? 

I hadn't thought of that aspect before. I started by going through all of my shit at home and pitching a bunch of it. If I had to think more than a few seconds about if I really wanted it or not, I'd just put it in a bag for donation. As I reflect upon many transitions in my life, some smooth, some... errr....not so much, I wonder what my next one will be like.

You know how you start a new job or semester, or move, or do all of the above and there is (or is perhaps only for myself) always this period of time where you feel totally nuts!? Then as the time goes on and you force yourself to be the most bad-ass as can be at whatever it is you do, it somehow gets easier. Or at least you get accustomed to it. I feel like I am recently coming down from a time like that. School got over, I moved to a new place and I started working basically full-time at my job. Not only this, my roommates went out of town when I moved in. For a month. A month of alone time in a big minimalist house, two dogs and a cat I had to get used to and lots and lots of solitude.

I remember, almost in tears confessing to a coworker, "I feel exhausted always. I go home and do nothing and talk to no one but these dogs." Seeing no bright side I could hardly believe her when she said to me, "Don't worry, Analea. You'll get used to working so much." When she said this to me I thought, okay whatever that is sweet of you. But now looking back, I did. I got used to things, and as always, things change.

Eventually my roommates came back, I got used to all the lesson planning and being prepared and handling more kids, running up and down and all over, cleaning a million times a day only to see what you just cleaned get pissed on- literally. Accidents in preschool are real, they will just shit and piss on things and you have to maintain your cool, always. So my only hopes are that I remain my cool as life may potentially shit or piss on me in the future.

So what do you do when you are in a situation like that? A situation that doesn't seem permanent yet is very real in the present moment and can be a bit of a downer. Do yoga. Right? Err... right. Yeah even for someone who has studied yoga and meditation and has taught and all this bliggity bloogity sometimes it's easier to fall into bad habits. Smoking, drinking, laying on the floor staring at the ceiling... Ya know, those types of things.

 Though deep down inside, while I am not the total up-tight little Analea I can't let myself take that route. Maybe for a bit, maybe once in a while. Though I always come back and hit myself in the head. Do yoga Analea, sit and breathe, Analea. On my breaks I started finding a little spot wherever, in the park, etc. I close my eyes and do pranayama. Pranayamas are breathing exercises. I would just close my eyes, move my body if I need to, and just try to turn my attention inward. Being an introvert who acts as an extrovert, it's become quite easy to go in.

In this place you really recharge, and can get through whatever is, be it totally gross or totally frustrating. I don't want to sound preachy, honestly I don't always abide by my own doctrine yet inside I know what is up. There's always some sort of thing you need to hold on to, why not make it positive? Or at least self-actualizing. Play a song, do a dance. Go for a walk. Be you. Whatever you feel like makes you feel like you- do it. Maybe I want to play some ukulele (albeit poorly) or write a blog post/article (albeit... poorly...). My point is do you because all this other stuff doesn't matter anymore. 

do you know?

I know some things
I'd like to do.
to follow this soul
or stay with you-
words don't work anymore.
silence speaks in actions.
small mountains crumble
big ones stand

in my pocket
botswana agate
in my mirror
a picture of you

my dear

ticking & tocking
with time there's
no stopping
only in time
do you find
the answer
in where
you are.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

>>>------------------------------------------------>




















waiting
what is waiting?
somewhere;
waiting
kinetic
waiting
you are waiting there
as I'm here
waiting
on a train
waiting

>>>-------------------------->

the arrow is pointed
pointed, waiting
somewhere
on this train
one pointed and waiting
single direction
away away away
waiting and waiting
and waiting

calm day.
some birds fly
some birds wait
some calm day.
I chose my flight
untaken and waiting;
calm day.
waiting at the station


photo: Gerald Retamal Berrios